September 4, 2015

Let’s go to bed.

Its a reality of midlife and motherhood that you are less likely to see 2:42 AM for vodka than for...well...midlife or motherhood, or both. Maybe you had a date night with your husband that involved driving 1.5 hours through a lightening storm to go to a sportbar to watch the fourth preseason game with hometown fans. He is a peach to do this for you, and will be justly rewarded. Later. Like when you don't need your pillow more than anything else. Tuesday night it was a stomach ache. Not Read more [...]
September 3, 2015

Arm-y of one

I am the rare Patriots fanatic that doesn't love Tom Brady. I find his toothy model smile more like a smirk. I interpret his head down on the sideline to be sulking, rather than studying the video of the previous play. His insular life is on view yet I judge him for protecting his privacy. His teammates love him. The members of the Pikes Peak Pats fan club adore him. The Facebook group New England Patriots Nation to a man (and woman) would blow him given the chance. I know my team would Read more [...]
September 1, 2015

Such a Pill

Standing in the sunshine chatting with a friend while she waters our community garden our talk turns from carrots and beets (why is it that 40 something women love beets?) to drugs. Despite being in Colorado, and standing amongst buds and leaves we are not talking about the green kind, but the pink oval pills that get me out of bed each day. She works in the field and confirms what I have been reading and experiencing myself...our system is providing less support for mental illness, exactly at Read more [...]
August 31, 2015

Thank less

It has been a crappy morning. I woke to a rejection letter that I sneakily read before my morning medihation (not a typo). I try to meditate before email so I have a fighting chance at clearing my mind, but obviously I failed. I spent my 12 minutes breathing and thinking about how thin my skin is. Then chastising myself for thinking that. Then judging myself for thinking anything at all during my 12 minutes. I somehow started the toothbrush before putting it in my mouth and sprayed toothpaste Read more [...]
August 28, 2015

Either end

We lay sunggled in bed early morning. Not my husband and I, obviously, but my older son and I. We spoke about not much. The should-be -dead cat tried and failed to settle herself on our lumpy bodies and I lifted her gently and placed her on Steve's still slumbering form. The transfer took. A moment later she raised herself awkwardly onto bent legs shuddering with an unproductive hack cough and I wondered for about the 2,000th time if her quality of life was good enough to keep things going. Read more [...]
August 27, 2015


Have you ever stood at a curb and considered the single step it would take to put yourself in front of the Staples Truck that is barreling past you? No? Me neither. Except this morning. But obviously I didn't do it.  And it wasn't for the sadness and endingness of it all that I considered taking that step. It was for the novelty. I am not a fun mom. I can be fun-ny, but physical humor and play have pretty much been out of my repertoire for as long as I can remember. Walking to the sundial Read more [...]
August 26, 2015

Money Pit

The idea made sense. I love renovations, I love drywall dust and ram board. I walk the site looking for changes big and small, seeking small tweaks that will make things more beautiful, more livable. I love having a site. I love using the word site. You know what I don't love? Hail damage, mold and radon. Missing hot water heaters and broken furnaces. Most of all I don't like leaving the new egress window and flooding the bathroom. Not because it caused the most damage, but because it was Read more [...]
April 8, 2015

I’m all thumbs.

Walking past the door to the TV room/guest room/playroom I hear Leo tell someone that he has two brothers. He is on Skype so the person on the other line doesn't have any reason to question him. This anonymous player will never meet Leo's brothers, real Or imagined. I wonder briefly why someone who often laments the existence of an actual brother would create a second, but I don't linger physically or mentally to figure it out. I need to get back to oliver. Wednesday is game night. Since I Read more [...]
January 21, 2015

My balls

For years Leo has annotated our Apples to Apples cards. Instead of beachballs the smudged marker now reads "MYballs" He uses it like a punchline the way my preadolescent self tagged "in bed" to the end of each fortune cookie slip. It never fails to amuse him, and generally the rest of us as well. "Oh dear" exclaims his older brother and Leo looks at him through slitted eyes. Too soft, he seems to say. "My balls" he corrects and they run off together, small problem averted for the time being. I Read more [...]
January 20, 2015

If you could just be sad somewhere else

The cat sits in her chicken pose, dreadlocks growing from her jutted out shoulder. Even her good eye is goopy. I cant see her tail stump but I know it, like her deafness, is there. She is not an attractive specimen. Oliver walks slowly from room to room mewling about an assignment he doesn't want to complete. He usually just puts his head down and gets his work done but for some reason the fictional chef and his good smelling tomato sauce is not inspiring an essay. Steve is traveling again Read more [...]
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